


Fall of Leaves

by cadkitten



Category: Dir en grey
Genre: Angst, Explicit Language, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-26
Updated: 2010-06-26
Packaged: 2017-12-05 12:52:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/723516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cadkitten/pseuds/cadkitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There was something about fall, the way the leaves turned and the world grew colder, that Kyo had always found to be both enlightening and depressing. It was one of those things that seemed to come with its moments of light and darkness, though they always stood in more stark contrast than they usually would have when they came at another time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fall of Leaves

**Author's Note:**

> Having kind of a bad day. Just wanted to get it out somehow and my Kyo's always seem to be willing to help with that. So... here we have this.  
> Beta Readers: kawaiikyo, gothic_hime  
> Song[s]: Fall Of Leaves... (Instrumental) by Juka

_"I cannot hear your voice anymore. Goodbye." - Kyo_

 

There was something about fall, the way the leaves turned and the world grew colder, that Kyo had always found to be both enlightening and depressing. It was one of those things that seemed to come with its moments of light and darkness, though they always stood in more stark contrast than they usually would have when they came at another time. His dark eyes watched as a woman passed him by, her form huddled under a black coat that was at least four sizes too big for her. Maybe it was her husband's coat, he deducted, eyes moving from her to the pavement at his feet as he flicked the cigarette he wasn't even supposed to be smoking into the gutter, watching it smolder out in the little river of water that ran there.

The last stream of smoke poured from his nose as he started walking again, hands in his pockets as he treaded along. No one stopped him and no one recognized him. It had been years since anyone had, since he'd heard the familiarity of a fan or even of a former staff member or friend. It had seemed that when he'd walked off the stage that night, the rest of his life had ended abruptly along with his career. He'd just stopped feeling it, stopped finding that delicate path that wanted him to perform for the world. One day it had transformed from something he regarded as fun and necessary to something he found grueling and distasteful. He'd promised himself before he'd even gone into the industry that he'd walk away the day he felt like the reasons he was there had faded away.

He paused, the wind in his face, cheeks stinging from the whip of the air, a memory haunting him delicately as he stood, slowing the flow of the people around him while he basked in it. The crowd came back to him with a startling clarity, one he couldn't even place to anything else in his life, not even his past lovers or his childhood. Arms waved and voices screamed; a crescendo of wails that matched his own split the air. He could still almost feel how tangible it had been, the way it had all grasped him like some form of final perfection. That night had been all he'd strived to make it be. A final hurrah before the fall of the curtain and the disappearance of his face on anything for the rest of his life; that was all it had been. And yet, it was more than that. It was more to them as a band and to the fans as a whole.

He began walking again, as though he'd never stopped in the first place. His fingers searched deep in his pocket, grasping his keys and then the guitar pick that hung from one keychain, his fingers absently rubbing it. He knew it by feel and by memory. It was Die's pick, one he'd flung at the crowd. Right after the show, a lone girl had come behind the venue, finding Kyo as he exited and pressing the pick into his hand. "He can hear your voice," she had told him, the look on her face absolutely certain. "He'll always hear it." And when she walked away, Kyo had felt like she'd read his soul, pulled every memory he'd ever had from his insides and bared them to her own mind. Something stood in stark contrast inside him and he could feel the prickling of a sensation that told him he wasn't far from right.

He had slipped the pick into his pocket and when they'd all gone their separate ways a few days later, he'd already attached it to his keychain. And now... now he kept it there as a piece of a memory that he wished he could go back and hold onto. He missed Die like he didn't miss anyone else, in a way that sourly told him he had lost out on something that he could have held onto tightly if only he'd put in a piece of an effort. He'd called Die's phone once and when the voicemail had picked up, he'd heard a woman's voice and Die giggling in the background. He'd hung up without a message, knowing for certain that he'd be intruding where he was not welcome if he left that message.

Years had passed since then and the only person Kyo had kept any contact with at all was Shinya. They visited and had lunch every once in a while; maybe twice a year, if that. With him, it was never a memory, never a thought of the past that they no longer had. Instead, it was little discussions of where they'd headed in life. Shinya had gone the same route as Yoshiki before him, heading into producing rather than trying to find a new band to drum for. Kyo respected that, his own decision feeling much the same in the manner of how neither wanted to go make something mediocre when they'd made something fantastic for almost seventeen years. Kyo himself had quite simply disappeared off the face of the earth for quite a while after the band ended. But now he was working nights at a shipping company, loading the trucks. He'd wanted further out than any of them, he supposed. The memories were the hard part to deal with and he didn't like dwelling, despite the fact that days like today forced him into nothing but a constant reverie.

He turned off the main street and headed down a smaller side street, his eyes squinted against the sun as he walked. Another gust of wind tried to pull him quite literally off the sidewalk and into the street, but he paused, fighting the force until it had run its course. Brushing his hair back from his face, he moved off down the street, his teeth worrying the inside of his cheek. After a few minutes, he came to a stop, his eyes pulled upward to the fifth floor of the building he was standing in front of. His brown orbs searched, counting the correct amount of apartments in, and then his eyes widened. Right on the balcony stood the very man he'd avoided like the plague ever since that last night on stage. His heart tugged and for a moment, he honestly thought he might cry at the joy of being able to see him again.

For the longest time, he just stood there, watching Die smoke a cigarette and then slip back inside his home. Maybe others would have considered it creepy, but Kyo didn't even think of it that way. After a few moments, he forced himself to the box of buzzers on the side of the main door to the complex, finding Die's name, the only one not written out in Kanji on the entire bank. Despite himself a little smile crept over his lips as he pressed the button and then waited.

Kyo almost thought no one was going to answer, starting to turn away, a dejected look on his face, when the intercom crackled. "Yeah?" came Die's voice through the speaker, distorted by the shoddy equipment. The blonde stared at the box for a long moment before he realized he had no idea what to say. Finally he hesitantly spit out, "Die? It's... it's Kyo."

There was a long pause and then the buzzer for the door came to life and Kyo pushed through, heading quickly though the posh lobby and over to the elevator bank, pushing the up arrow. Immediately, the doors opened and he stepped inside, pushing the fifth floor button. The ride was mercifully short and when he stepped out onto Die's floor, the former guitarist was leaning against his doorjamb, arms crossed and an obviously fake pissed-off expression on his face. As Kyo approached him, he glared at him and then hissed out, "You ass-fuck! Not one word in how many years?!" But no matter the words, Die sounded happy to see him.

Kyo moved to stand in front of him and then offered an apologetic look. "It was better this way... trust me." A hint of bitterness and an undertone of melancholy wrapped around his words, his eyes betraying a sadness that he wished they wouldn't. Before he knew it, he was wrapped in Die's arms, the other holding him tight. The embrace was familiar, even after so long, and Kyo sank into it, his own arms coming up to wrap around Die's lower back, holding on just as tightly.

When they pulled apart, Die let Kyo inside his apartment, leading him toward the living room after his shoes had been removed. Die settled on one side of the cream-colored sofa and Kyo on the other, a white cat in between them, sleeping soundly on the cushion. They were quiet for a long while before Kyo murmured, "So... married yet?"

Much to his surprise, Die ended up laughing, shaking his head. "Me? You kidding?" And then he sobered up and shrugged a little. "Well... we'll say I learned a few things about myself finally. Shin says he knew them all along and I was just blind." He offered a lopsided smirk. "It's not exactly legal for me to marry anyone given my tastes these days."

Kyo felt like the universe was laughing at him, showing him what he could have had if only he'd been a little less idiotic all those years ago. Outwardly, he offered a snort and a nod. "It was a topic of much discussion, I'll give you that."

Die regarded him for a long while and then murmured, "And you?"

Kyo shook his head almost immediately, his eyes going darker. "Do you know the definition of irony, Die?" He laughed, a bitter dry sound. "I still can't even get a date. Even now that I'm not some difficult-to-deal-with rockstar that everyone knows." He shook his head. "Apparently I'm too old now." Maybe the guitarist understood, both of them into their mid-forties and though still gorgeous, they were admittedly not in the age group where a lot of people were looking for action.

The look on Die's face was incredulous. "You're obviously trying to hook up with the wrong chicks then." He leaned back on the sofa, arms behind his head and the look on his face contemplative. "I'd fuck you so therefore someone else must also want to." The admission was so incredibly free it was as though he hadn't said a thing out of any given lines of conduct. Maybe sounded as though he'd said he'd order the pizza if only Kyo brought the soda.

The blonde stared at the other like he'd lost his damn mind for a few seconds before he gave up and glowered at the floor between his knees. "Don't want chicks," he informed, voice a little sour. This whole 'stop by and stare at Die's apartment' venture had turned into a game of fifty admissions. There was a moment of silent discomfort while Die sorted out if Kyo was kidding or not, the look of contemplation clear on his face. Once he'd figured out that his former bandmate wasn't joking, he just shook his head. "I'd have to say we're dense then."

Kyo's cheeks flushed in slight annoyance at being called out on it. "More like I'm a gigantic fucking moron." He flopped back, the cat startling and jumping off the sofa, not liking what he could feel going on between the two men. Kyo watched the cat go and then finally murmured, "Is that the one you bought the year before..." he didn't say it, couldn't admit to what he had started calling a break-up. Die gave a nod of affirmation, watching the Ragdoll stalk off down the hall. "My only company for a while now," he admitted before glancing at Kyo and then smiling. "But now you're here and you're much better company." The cat gave an indignant meow, as if understanding all Die had said.

For a while after that, silence reined; Kyo unsure how to respond and Die letting it drop. When Kyo finally spoke again, it was in a voice that was as soft as it was hesitant. "If I asked you somewhere, would you go?"

"Of course." There was no hesitation in the answer and Kyo found himself amazed just as he'd always used to be by the way Die let things slide once he got what he wanted.

"Then... I'm asking you to lunch next week. Wednesday. Twelve thirty. At the little cafe we used to go to after practice." He already knew the answer, even before Die took out his phone and programmed in their meeting location and time. For a long while there was silence between them and then Kyo simply got up, heading to the door and quietly putting on his shoes. He stood, ready to go, with Die hovering behind him for a few seconds before he opened the door and stepped out. He never was good at saying goodbye.

Die came to the door, watching him go, a sense of familiarity putting him at ease with the situation as he leaned against the doorjamb again. He smirked and then called out, "Hey, Kyo!"

The blonde turned around and looked at Die, a questioning look on his face. The other grinned. "So... is it a date?'

Kyo's only response was to show Die his middle finger before he got into the elevator and the doors slid closed. Once behind the protective steel doors, he leaned against the wall, a brilliant smile transforming his features. Happy... he'd be truly happy, just so long as Die showed up.

Upstairs, Die just laughed, shaking his head and going back inside. He knew Kyo well enough to know that had been a yes. The door closed behind him, but for the first time in years it didn't hold a sense of entrapment with it.

This... this was how it had been meant to be all along. Of that they were both certain.

**The End**  



End file.
